My melodramatic sexuality

First of all… confused lesbian blog… how the hell did you find me? This is of course centered around the fact the people are actually reading this blog. But hey, this is not what it is about. It is a therapy session… I suppose? A free therapy session at that. After all I am English, not speaking our mind and keeping everything bottled in is what we know how to do… and we do it well.

So I am what the world calls a ‘lesbian’… gay… carpet muncher… dyke (my fav)… but I still call myself straight. Weird right? I am straight… have been for all my life. I am just in a relationship, sleeping with and live with my lesbian life partner of three years. But I am straight ok… I AM STRAIGHT… sort of. It’s become a comical joke now between my friendship group so I feel the word ‘straight’ just has no meaning anymore.

When ever me and my friends go out for dinner… or meet up to drink a gallon of wine every other Tuesday, my sexuality is always the main discussion… ‘oh you remember when you liked boys’… ‘so you were straight and now you are fucking a girl’… ‘i don’t understand’… I get it all the time. Meeting new people is the worst. I can sit talking to them for ages, then the boyfriend card comes out… nope no boyfriend, I actually have a girlfriend (pause) ‘you don’t look gay’… well thanks!

My friends call me ‘not a real gay’ or a ‘plastic lesbian’, purely due to the fact that I don’t want to sleep with them (which one finds quite insulting)… until they get a few drinks in them and they are rapping gay flags around me and tagging me in pictures on Instagram with the caption ‘me and my gay’ … ‘my best gay friend’ or… ‘oh if I was gay’. I get it all the time.

So my confusing and melodramatic sexuality needs to be explained… I am in a relationship with a girl, have been for the past 3… almost FOUR (Wow!) years. I am not what you call a ‘lesbian’. I don’t find girls attractive, I just fell in love with my best friend, who happened to be a girl. It was a very confusing time in my life and it all played out pretty quickly… two years… two years bloody hell! So my girlfriend is the only girl I have ever been with, and to be more of a head fuck… I am the only girl that she has been with. We were just two gals… minding our own business and BAM… the lesbian bug hit us.

It was a massive shift in my life, but it all started to make sense. The two years that were spent ‘figuring it out’,  was the most self destructive times of my life… to date (fingers crossed). My head knew something was going on, but the worst thing was, was that I had no idea what I was figuring out… a drug habit maybe? No amount of drugs, sex, alcohol or cigarettes was going to cure it… I think it just made it worse. Smoking 30 a day definitely made something worse, that’s for sure.

I am using this blog as a chance to vent. I don’t suppose I have had a chance to do this before, and not really had a platform where I could honestly do this anyway!

Hope you stick along for the ride. I would love to hear your stories… I am sure there are some straight dykes out there somewhere! 🙂

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