The big C has always scared me. As soon as the word ‘love’ or a conversation about ‘moving in’ really scared me. I would always run away from the issue, play it down, or be a little dick and use that a reason to break up with someone… wow I’m an arse!
But those are behind me. The days of being scared of saying ‘i love you’ or even just hiding the true me is over. I am now a lot more relaxed, drink way less and is comfortable with the situation I am in.
When I was at university, I just wanted to party. I got out of a ‘serious’ relationship when I entered university (I say serious… we were 18), so boys and love was never on my radar. I wanted to make friends, party all the time and really enjoy my freedom… and I did. But the boy didn’t stay away for too long… I started a relationship before I even went home for christmas but I was determined not to loose my freedom and individuality. Looking back, I can’t believe he stuck around for as long as he did (2 years to be precise). I didn’t want a boyfriend, and my lifestyle didn’t have space for one. I would make time for my friends, my uni work, drinking and sports and then he would just fit in where I could. I was scared. I didn’t know it but I was scared. I was scared of loosing something I loved (my lifestyle) and I was scared about letting someone in. I have always been so reserved. My friends said growing up I was very secretive in the way that I didn’t share how I was feeling, I just got on with it. I don’t know if that is a good quality to have.
I remember freaking when we had a load of friends over to my house, the boyfriend was there, we were all drinking and having a nice time. My guard was down… for once. My friend, who has been broody since I met her on day one at university, she always thought she was pregnant through the first year of university… it wasn’t even funny! She brought up something about her and her then boyfriends kids would be so small (they were both under 5’5), which for some fucking weird reason the boyfriend said… ‘oh well ours would be ginger and have a MASSIVE nose’ (his nose not mine… just to clarify). Enter freak out mode. Is this where my life is heading… I am not ready for that? I knew it was a passing joke, there was no feelings and intent behind it… but I still entered ‘freak out mode’.
But since I started my relationship with my girlfriend, all those insecurities and feelings have disappeared… well not completely… I still get hot under the ol’ collar when kids are discussed, but in a playful way, not a ‘oh i’m so going to break up with you tomorrow before you baby trap me’ kind of way. Look at me all grown up!