Perspective

I listened to a really intriguing podcast from a guy called Steve Basilone. It was called; Terribly Funny with Steve Basilone. It is a podcast where Steve talks to funny people about genuinely terrible things that have happened to them in their lives. With the premise of the podcast being dark and very personable to the guest and to Steve himself, I was a bit weary about what the next hour would consist of.

Steve sat down with Lauren Morelli, part of the writing team at  Orange is the New Black and notably now Steves ex-wife. The couple divorced when Morelli, at the age of 30, found out that she way gay. Whilst the podcast dives head first into some truly heartbreaking stories; the death of Morellis father, the end of their marriage and the baggage that comes with that, it really gave us a fantastic insight into how fabulous and inspiring Morelli’s and Basilone relationship is. They care a lot about each other, known each other for years, been with each other through some absolutely awful times and they can still sit down and talk so candidly about their failed marriage. It is truly inspiring. I can say they are better people than I am. I too bitter and stubborn to have a relationship with an ex like they do. It is sad to say, but at least I know.

Through the power of Facebook and committed stalking (online… i’m not that type of girl), I found out that my ex had got engaged. We haven’t been together for about 4 years now, but it hit something… I don’t know what because I never wanted that ring. I think the thing for me was that I never gave him what he deserved… I didn’t give him support or be the other half in a relationship that was probably needed. I didn’t want to be. I wanted the drugs and alcohol and to party in a field for 3 days with no need to ring or touch base with someone (my mother did try trust me!). I finally feel happy for him… no longer, avoiding him or avoiding the feelings that came with it. And I suppose listening to Morelli and Basilone talk the way they did about life with each other and after each other, really touched base with me…. I am happy for him.

You can find Steve Basilone’s podcast with Lauren Morelli by following the link below. I highly recommend this! Worth a listen.

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Commitment

The big C has always scared me. As soon as the word ‘love’ or a conversation about ‘moving in’ really scared me. I would always run away from the issue, play it down, or be a little dick and use that a reason to break up with someone… wow I’m an arse!

But those are behind me. The days of being scared of saying ‘i love you’ or even just hiding the true me is over. I am now a lot more relaxed, drink way less and is comfortable with the situation I am in.

When I was at university, I just wanted to party. I got out of a ‘serious’ relationship when I entered university (I say serious… we were 18), so boys and love was never on my radar. I wanted to make friends, party all the time and really enjoy my freedom… and I did. But the boy didn’t stay away for too long… I started a relationship before I even went home for christmas but I was determined not to loose my freedom and individuality. Looking back, I can’t believe he stuck around for as long as he did (2 years to be precise). I didn’t want a boyfriend, and my lifestyle didn’t have space for one. I would make time for my friends, my uni work, drinking and sports and then he would just fit in where I could. I was scared. I didn’t know it but I was scared. I was scared of loosing something I loved (my lifestyle) and I was scared about letting someone in. I have always been so reserved. My friends said growing up I was very secretive in the way that I didn’t share how I was feeling, I just got on with it. I don’t know if that is a good quality to have.

I remember freaking when we had a load of friends over to my house, the boyfriend was there, we were all drinking and having a nice time. My guard was down… for once. My friend, who has been broody since I met her on day one at university, she always thought she was pregnant through the first year of university… it wasn’t even funny! She brought up something about her and her then boyfriends kids would be so small (they were both under 5’5), which for some fucking weird reason the boyfriend said… ‘oh well ours would be ginger and have a MASSIVE nose’ (his nose not mine… just to clarify). Enter freak out mode. Is this where my life is heading… I am not ready for that? I knew it was a passing joke, there was no feelings and intent behind it… but I still entered ‘freak out mode’.

But since I started my relationship with my girlfriend, all those insecurities and feelings have disappeared… well not completely… I still get hot under the ol’ collar when kids are discussed, but in a playful way, not a ‘oh i’m so going to break up with you tomorrow before you baby trap me’ kind of way. Look at me all grown up!

My melodramatic sexuality

First of all… confused lesbian blog… how the hell did you find me? This is of course centered around the fact the people are actually reading this blog. But hey, this is not what it is about. It is a therapy session… I suppose? A free therapy session at that. After all I am English, not speaking our mind and keeping everything bottled in is what we know how to do… and we do it well.

So I am what the world calls a ‘lesbian’… gay… carpet muncher… dyke (my fav)… but I still call myself straight. Weird right? I am straight… have been for all my life. I am just in a relationship, sleeping with and live with my lesbian life partner of three years. But I am straight ok… I AM STRAIGHT… sort of. It’s become a comical joke now between my friendship group so I feel the word ‘straight’ just has no meaning anymore.

When ever me and my friends go out for dinner… or meet up to drink a gallon of wine every other Tuesday, my sexuality is always the main discussion… ‘oh you remember when you liked boys’… ‘so you were straight and now you are fucking a girl’… ‘i don’t understand’… I get it all the time. Meeting new people is the worst. I can sit talking to them for ages, then the boyfriend card comes out… nope no boyfriend, I actually have a girlfriend (pause) ‘you don’t look gay’… well thanks!

My friends call me ‘not a real gay’ or a ‘plastic lesbian’, purely due to the fact that I don’t want to sleep with them (which one finds quite insulting)… until they get a few drinks in them and they are rapping gay flags around me and tagging me in pictures on Instagram with the caption ‘me and my gay’ … ‘my best gay friend’ or… ‘oh if I was gay’. I get it all the time.

So my confusing and melodramatic sexuality needs to be explained… I am in a relationship with a girl, have been for the past 3… almost FOUR (Wow!) years. I am not what you call a ‘lesbian’. I don’t find girls attractive, I just fell in love with my best friend, who happened to be a girl. It was a very confusing time in my life and it all played out pretty quickly… two years… two years bloody hell! So my girlfriend is the only girl I have ever been with, and to be more of a head fuck… I am the only girl that she has been with. We were just two gals… minding our own business and BAM… the lesbian bug hit us.

It was a massive shift in my life, but it all started to make sense. The two years that were spent ‘figuring it out’,  was the most self destructive times of my life… to date (fingers crossed). My head knew something was going on, but the worst thing was, was that I had no idea what I was figuring out… a drug habit maybe? No amount of drugs, sex, alcohol or cigarettes was going to cure it… I think it just made it worse. Smoking 30 a day definitely made something worse, that’s for sure.

I am using this blog as a chance to vent. I don’t suppose I have had a chance to do this before, and not really had a platform where I could honestly do this anyway!

Hope you stick along for the ride. I would love to hear your stories… I am sure there are some straight dykes out there somewhere! 🙂